This morning Dayne is sick so I've stayed home with him and Adi. I was reading my scriptures this morning and it was actually pretty quiet. I was reading in Jacob 5 about the allegory of the olive tree. I've read this several times and because of the length of this chapter, it's easy for my mind to wander. I noticed this morning that I was having that same trouble.
Usually when I read this I begin to think of the lost tribes of Israel or the pattern of the church on a large and small scale. Because I was thinking of what I usually think of, my mind was beginning to wander (ie: drift to sleep). As this started to happened, I woke myself up a bit and tried to think of this on a more personal level.
Something that I've been struggling with most of my life as a mom - and especially since I had Adi - is balance. I really want to develop my talents, but I just don't have the time. Most of my time is spent doing mundane things; dishes, cleaning up, making meals - things that I do everyday and are never done, but don't really amount to anything or any real accomplishment. I get so frustrated and overwhelmed when my days are made up of these elements that can take so much away from what really matters. I would love to be able to be involved at the kids' school, get involved in the community, help my children develop their talents, become fluent in Spanish, play the guitar, play the piano better, become a scripture scholar, and the list goes on and on. However, I find little time for those things because everyday things get in the way. I have such tunnel vision once I write down my "to-do" list that I forget the reason I have a "to-do" list.
As I was reading and trying to apply Jacob 5 it occurred to me that this is what I struggle with - keeping my "tree" in balance. I start to work on the roots: I make sure that I'm reading my scriptures, getting rest, taking care of my kids. Then, I notice that I need to work on my branches and bear fruit. So, I start getting involved so that I can be an example and share the gospel. I stay up a little late so that I can help the kids with something or to get prepared for the next day. I try to make sure that I exercise and eat right so that I have the energy and mental capacity to do the things that need to be done. Pretty soon, I'm stressing because I've got too much going on outside of my home, I've been staying up too late for too long trying to be "prepared", I'm not doing something essential because I've got to exercise or make bread or something else from scratch and I've completely lost sight of the reason I'm doing those things. So, then it's back to the beginning and the cycle starts again.
I have a feeling that I'm never going to create the perfect balance, which, is why I need God so much. Ever since I've had Adi I've just been so overwhelmed. If I could just remember to ask Heavenly Father what the most important things were for that day, then I wouldn't stress (3 Nephi 13:34).
Two stories that illustrated this to me:
I was listening to a BYU speech (when I find the link, I'll put it in) and the speaker was telling a story about a married couple that had 8 kids. The wife called the husband during a particularly trying day and said, half jokingly, "Now tell me again - why did we have 8 kids?" The husband responded, "Because the Lord knew we could only handle 7."
Kind of along the story of the first. I usually like to dance by myself because I don't like following someone else's lead - I want to be in charge. Every time a dance partner tries to lead, I always try to anticipate the next move and sometimes (maybe more than sometimes) I'm not right. So either my dance partner lets me lead or I just end up making all sorts of mistakes because we're both trying to lead. When I was in college, I was at a dance with some friends. There was a country song on and one of the guys in my group asked if I wanted to dance. I told him that I can't dance those types of dances because I never let the guy lead. He told me not to worry about it because he knew how to lead. I've heard this line before and really didn't believe him. He was a pretty tough farm boy from Idaho and I remember that he was a wrestler so he had that body type (which I don't usually associate with grace). He insisted, so I went out onto the dance floor with him to "prove" him wrong. Well, it turned out he was right. He took me out onto the dance floor and I remember it was a really fast song. He started spinning me through the motions so fast that my mind didn't have time to anticipate what the next move was. I finally gave up trying and just had to trust he knew what he was doing. I even remember at one point that I was thrown into the air.
That was an interesting experience for me, especially as I look back on it in context to what's going on in my life right now. I feel like Heavenly Father is throwing so many things at me and spinning me around so fast that I've just given up and am just trusting that He knows what's coming next. So, why did God give me 5 kids, my husband a new job, take me out of my comfort zone, not give me enough time for what was expected of me to do, etc? Because He wants me to trust Him and to stop trying to anticipate every move. Take it one day at a time, pray for guidance and "be still and know that (He is) God." (D&C 101:16)
(I feel like I just wrote a talk, the only difference being is that it only make sense to me - how weird is that?)
No comments:
Post a Comment